angelsaxis:

Kaz generally was disdainful of his feelings toward Inej because the last time he felt any deep connection to someone, they ended up dying and he was up scarred. Most of the time he masked it as “I have a job to do and romance is distracting” but the raw need he held to keep people away was the ultimate crux. It’s shown in how he treats anyone that would otherwise be considered a friend (he frequently says gangs are family, but never calls any of the Six his friend, considering the nature of literally every situation they’re in for the two books).

But I also love the way Kaz’s love for Inej developed. I’d never thought slow burn was my thing until this. It’s so great because 99.999% of the physicality of romance–what is considered mandatory to have a “good” relationship–is completely removed on both ends, and Kaz has to first work out a) what does and doesn’t work for him, and b) what does and doesn’t work for Inej. Inej’s feelings take priority, and that sense guides every single thing he does in the book wrt their relationship.

He cared about her physical, emotional, and mental well being long before ever actually touching her. There was no real chance of lust developing. He only considered her beautiful in situations where she was in control/comfortable, not when she was specifically dressed up to be attractive. Despite never wanting to admit so, he depended on the surety of her presence and Suli proverbs, even if he didn’t (initially) agree with them. His constant calling himself rotten and evil could be seen as attempts on his part to push her away so that she would avoid getting further dragged into his messes and then damaged the way he was.

Although at times he would have preferred to keep her back and safe, he knew that what she really needed was freedom after everything she had suffered at the hands of Tante Heleen. He would have made an exception to the plan to break into the Ice Court to avoid having Inej wear her silks again. He understood the limitations of his own and her trauma, and they refused to push each other or themselves past a limit they couldn’t handle. Yes, Inej did say things like “tell me”, but it was only verbal and never physical. When she rejected him at the boat, he didn’t fight it; a relationship takes two people and he’d already known that forcing her into something that she could never be truly free to express herself in would be cruel and selfish.

He was looking at trying to change himself before touching her, which meant getting over his phobia. Forcing himself wouldn’t do either of them any good, either–which is why the bathroom scene is so important. Inej has a better handle of her trauma than Kaz does. She leaves plenty of space for him to stop, makes sure he’s aware that he can leave at any time, but Kaz in this scene starts to teach himself about his bounds and limits, learns what he is and isn’t capable of doing for Inej. It works better here because he’s consenting to the physical contact, whereas in every other situation it’s either out of his control or he’s being beat up. He doesn’t get as triggered in this scene, as opposed to the police cab ride, accidental brushes, and every flashback in CC where he was touched and it didn’t end well.

He only wants the best for Inej, even if and including letting her go so that she can pursue the fulfilling life she needs to. That’s love. Kaz wants to call himself selfish, but that is the definition of being selfless.